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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

its me again

after what i wrote yesterday i am feeling a little better and clear headed about everything and i am going to do what is i feel is right and take what ever happens.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

everything out in the open.

I really don’t know how to put what I want to put in words but I am going to try to say everything right here as I write it. I am going to write everything from the beginning to the end.
I am going to start from high school. Everyone has his or her own experiences about high school. My experience was better than I thought it would be. It was better experience than I had in middle school but that not what I am writing this for. I thought that I would never get a boyfriend but that did not turn out the way I thought it would. I mean my first boyfriend was in my freshman year and he was a junior in high school. He wanted something that I was not ready for. My other "boyfriend" was in my sophomore year. He made me feel stupid and he told lies about me to everyone. This was the year I met Andrew. It was a weird way we met. You see we met by his friend. I can’t believe that I am writing this. You see the day I met Andrew’s friend he was playing with my book bag (which was really heavy and I told him that) he did not listen and it fell and it hit him in a place that had him walking funny for a few days. We laughed it off and after that he introduce me to Andrew.
At first I thought that Andrew was a little weird but as I got to know him he became really cool and nice to hang around with. We talked about everything. He is the first person I had admit to that I had feelings for but at that time he was not ready. I was okay with it. I did not understand at that time why I was so calm about him saying no and I was not hurt. We still remain friends and everything was okay which made things really great for me. Then when I was a junior and Andrew was a senior. He would always bother me and hang out a lunch. Sometimes we would talk about things or just hang out with our friends. He is the only person who knows if I am sad about something. He would help me out if I needed him. I had decided to write him a letter telling him how I feel. I gave it to him and told him to read it when he was at home. My now ex friend told me that he read it to people and I was stupid to believe her. I ask him and he told me what happen.
When he told me that he was going to the Army I did not know what to think. I thought that I was going to lose him. So I gave him my address to keep in contact (even though I did not write back). When his last day of school I made sure I see him. I couldn’t let him leave without giving him a hug. Let’s just say I bet people thought we were going out. (No he did not kiss me. It was a lingering hug). I was sad that he had left and I miss him so much.
My senior year was the best. Andrew came back and it was so great. He picks me up and swings me around as he hugged me. That was so great. I didn’t want to let him go. He was not staying. That was the last time I seen him. Then came Sam. He started at my high school at our junior year. I got to know him at our senior year. I began to like him even though I was still thinking about Andrew. I was afraid to tell Sam how I felt because I did not want to be hurt. My friends told him and they told me that he liked me. I did not believe him but I wanted to hear it from him. I did not hear that until after we got out of high school. I thought that was going to work but I think on that note that we were better at being friends.
I did admit to him that I like him last year and we started to get close. We use to talk all the time and made plans for the future. Recently we stop talking and I stop calling because I could not get in touch with him so I figured that he did not care about me. I thought that I love him and wanted to marry him someday but that won’t happen. I had or at least o thought that I was okay with it. Some of the time I thought that it was my fault that things did not work out but it takes two to make it work. I know that in time I will be over it but I can’t help but think that there is something wrong with me why it did not work out like I thought it was going to be.
There is a really good thing that happen to me. I gotten back in touch with Andrew and I am so happy that I did. We email each other everyday and catching up on each other lives. I really miss him so much. I can’t wait until he come back to visit because he want to take me out. I have to admit that when I first saw that he contacted me I was really happy and all my feelings resurface but then I thought about Sam and then I realized that if Sam wanted to be with he would have did something already and I am not going to keep waiting. I been waiting for three years. Not anymore. Then Andrew comes to mind. What if he wants to start up something? There is no stopping me but there is just one thing. Me. I know how I feel about him but I can’t help but feel that he might do like the others. When I think about it he is not like that. Our friendship means so much to each other. I want to be open to love and receive it and feel that I am capable of being love by someone. I never been in love before and that is something that I want to experience one day. I want to be able to settle down and have children. I don’t want no one giving me empty promises and telling me things that he don’t follow through. By writing this I can really begin the healing process and my life can finally start to make some since and be clear about what is going on.
I don’t know what I am going to do yet but when I do I know that I will make the right decision. Well I think that is all. Thanks for reading it.

Monday, June 27, 2005

sitting there thinking

At work on saturday all i was thinking about was trying to figure out what things went wrong between Sam and me. I am going to write it first. I have been struggling whether or not to actually call him to let him know but right now I don't think I can talk to him with crying or saying something I don't mean.
I know that in someway I don't think that he meant to hurt me. I don't know that for sure but I am going to think that because it make me feel better knowing that. I still want to be his friend but I really don't know what to say to him. I am not going to feel right and it will always bother me until I talk to him but at least my friend Andrew is there for me when I need him. He knows how I feel about him and I know that he will be there if I ask him to. I am planning on telling him everything but I want to wait until I see him to tell him everything that has happen since he left.
I can't wait until he comes back. I miss hanging out with him. I know that he feels the same way. He was so great to me and he listens to me. I really need him here. I can't wait until he tells me when he will be coming back.
I have some things that I want to say but when I write it out I will paste it to my diary and you will get the full info on Sam and Andrew. I am currently writing it. what I write on it I can to that conclusion when I was thinking about it at work. This may sound weird but when I write it out you will understand what I am talking about. Dont worry for those who dont know it will come clear when the time is write and if you want to know you can email me anytime and I will tell you.
Thanks for reading. I will update soon.

Monday, June 20, 2005

6/20/2005

This is the start of something good for me. I know that for some of you who did not read my last entry I am starting a new me. That means that I am finally starting to do things for me. I am emailing Andrew alot. He said that he got me something but he wont tell me. So now I am hinting around to him to find out what it is. No luck yet but I will find out.
Work is going good. My hours got cut a little but it won't do any damage to me. I still love what I do so much. The people are nice.
My friend Latoya called me yesterday and ask me how Sam was doing and I told her that I haven't talk to him and I dont call him either. I thinks that she gets it. I have not told her the whole story but she knows that Andrew and I are talking and emailing each other. As for my other friends and you know who you are. I will be getting around to talking or emailing you. There is a person who has an od who writes me notes and stuff I just want to say that I will take that offer and email you to vent out. Thanks for reading all my entries.
I still am planing for when I get my own place. It is going to take longer than I thought but I am going to achieve what I have been planing to do. I think that is all that I wanted to say for right now. If I have forgotten anything (which is what I do at times) I am so sorry. I have more emails that I have to do so I will write in my diary when I can which will be Wednesday. bye for now.

Friday, June 10, 2005

i have decided

after some thinking and getting help with friends i have decided that i want to take my chance with andrew. i dont want to hurt sam but i have been waiting a long time for him and i dont think that i can wait for too long. i have plans of my own and if i keep waiting i am not going to be able to do what i have planned to do. i hope i am doing the right thing.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

i dont know anymore

an old friend has come back into my life and i want to be with him and sam. i dont know what i am going to do. i do talk to him more than i do sam so it is making it less hard to choose but i dont want to hurt sam but i am hurting myself trying to wait for him. i am just going to follow my heart.